Facing Frustration & Flipped Lids
Rebecca Lingo • October 7, 2024

You’ve experienced the scene before. All is quiet and calm. The kids are playing outside. Maybe you are even focused on something you’ve wanted to do for a while. And the next thing you know the door slams open, and everyone comes in, teeming with frustration.


At first, you may try to piece together the details: a game, something stolen, someone who felt excluded, others defending their territory. Removed from the situation, you can probably see the dynamics at play: someone felt left out and wanted to belong but didn't know how to ask, so they do something ineffective.


Feeling Disconnected 


Our children need lessons on how to use the most constructive ways to let us know their needs. Rather than say, "I feel disconnected, and I need some extra love and attention," they are more likely to hit or throw tantrums or, as they get older, say or do mean things. In our imaginary scene, a child who wanted to belong decided to take something.


In situations like this, other kids typically don’t respond well. They get defensive and usually respond with their own fury. When children retaliate, they aren’t thinking about any consequences of their actions, much less about another child's motivations! Even if we try to listen and have a conversation about what happened, children will often tend to become inflamed again.


Shifting Gears


At neutral times, it is helpful to briefly share what is happening in our brains! Ideally, we discuss this enough that in the heat of the moment, we can shift gears to say “Oh, we know what’s happening in our brains right now.” I say “we” because at this point, as a parent, I might also feel less than ideal too.


A pet reptile is an excellent option to use as an example. “So, you remember the gecko we saw at the pet store? She has a very basic response. If threatened, she has three options: to fight, to freeze, or to flee.” From there, we can explain how we all have a very reptilian part of our brain, the amygdala. When we feel threatened, we tend to go back to basic responses: fight, freeze, or flee. 


Flipping Our Lid


We also have our frontal lobes, which allow us to think more logically and consider other options. Despite having a rational part of our brain, it is easy to do what Daniel Siegel has termed "flipping our lid." We can use hand gestures to explain what happens when we lose our cool,.  


Again, at a neutral time, show children what this is like by representing our brain with our hand. When we curl our thumb into our palm it is like the amygdala, a primitive part of our brain essential for basic functions. The amygdala is our alarm center and responds from a place of instinct. Then we can curl our fingers over our thumb so they can represent the frontal lobes of our brain, which help us with self-control, empathy, and decision-making. 


When we get upset, we can "flip our lid." Our fingers (representing our frontal lobes) fly up and are out of commission, leaving our thumb (representing our amygdala) exposed. When this happens, we tend to act from the more reptilian part of our brain. Then in the heat of the moment, we can use this signal to recognize the need to take a moment.


Getting Curious


Both models focus intensely on how our brains function. There is still a challenge: What should we do when we are intensely upset, have a flipped lid, and are during a challenging moment?


Let’s lean into a place of curiosity. What if we had a plan for when we get into these kinds of moments? What if others around us were able to do this, too? What if our communities, our governments, and our countries were able to manage flipped lids? What kind of world would we experience?


At Wheaton Montessori School, through opportunities and time to explore options together, our children tend to rise to the occasion. They might decide to use each other for support when they feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger or frustration. They might also begin to think more about others’ needs and how to help them feel more included. Our children are so capable of moving from a place of not knowing, to taking initial steps, to figuring out their own plan of action. While our children don’t need to have all the answers, we can help them carefully consider how to manage themselves in the face of challenges. 


We employ a range of thoughtful strategies to support children in navigating these challenges at Wheaton Montessori School. For confronting frustration, we emphasize emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Teachers guide students through problem-solving techniques, helping them to identify their feelings and express them constructively. We create a safe space where children can voice their concerns, work through conflicts, and learn resilience. It’s individualized to offer the amount of support each student needs.


Curious to learn more about how we help children confront frustration, find successful ways to belong, and even just manage overstimulation? Visit us and see for yourself how Wheaton Montessori School helps us all grow in beautiful ways!


Current families are invited to schedule their classroom observations that open on Wednesday, October 9 by clicking on the links below.


Adolescent Community Classroom Observation

Ms. Searcy’s Upper Elementary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Fortun’s Lower Elementary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Mayhugh’s Lower Elementary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Berdick’s Primary Classroom Observation

Ms. Carr’s Primary Classroom Observation

Ms. Maria’s Primary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Rogers’s Primary Classroom Observation

 

Prospective families are invited to schedule a tour. During this tour, parents and children will have the opportunity to get a glimpse of our vibrant community that makes our school so special. These visits are designed to provide an in-depth understanding of Montessori education. We believe that seeing the school in action is the best way to appreciate the nurturing and dynamic environment we foster. We look forward to welcoming you and your family!


Child reaching for an object,
By Rebecca Lingo January 26, 2026
Learn how the Montessori Absorbent Mind empowers young children to effortlessly absorb language, culture, and behavior, and how parents can nurture it.
Children outside a building; title
By Suzanna Mayhugh, Lower Elementary Teacher January 19, 2026
Montessori Mayhem? Pint-Sized Pandemonium? When I give tours of the Elementary classrooms or welcome new parents to the Elementary program at Wheaton Montessori School, some parents believe that students are allowed complete freedom, as if the classrooms are a beautiful den of chaos and anarchy. Indeed, this is one of the biggest misconceptions about Montessori education. (The biggest misconception being, in my experience, that Montessori isn’t “real world” education. But as we say in our lessons, “That’s a story for another day.”) While Montessori classrooms DO give children the freedoms they require and deserve, it’s not an unlimited free-for-all with an adult watching from an observation chair! Freedom is always balanced with responsibility, to oneself and to the community. These values, freedom and responsibility, are essential for creating a happy, busy, humming classroom where children thrive. What Does Freedom Mean in Our Classroom? “Freedom” in the classroom means that students are encouraged to make choices about their learning. Just as in our Primary classrooms at Wheaton Montessori School, students are free to choose their work, their seat, and their work partners. They are free to move about the classroom and do not need to raise their hands to visit the restroom, get a drink of water, or ask a question. Let’s look at a few of these freedoms more closely. Students are Free to Choose Their Work. For example, they may choose which book to read, choose a work partner to research a chosen topic, or practice a tricky bit of a lesson over and over. They are also able to choose how they will show their understanding. They might present their understanding through a poster, a diorama, a model, a handmade book, or an enormous amount of cardboard and hot glue. These choices empower students to take charge of their education and express themselves in ways that suit their interests and strengths, something a standardized test or a worksheet can never do. However, freedom in the classroom ALWAYS has limits. For example, students are free to choose their work, but choosing NOT to work is not an option. They are free to choose their work from the lessons that have been presented to them. While students may choose their reading material, it must be appropriate for their reading level and classroom guidelines. When students select a partner, they must do so respectfully and inclusively. When students create projects and work output, they must do so with care, make proper use of materials, and in a way that shows what they understand about their topic. Additionally, these choices should never disrupt their own learning and construction, or that of their peers. The Role of Responsibility In a true Montessori classroom, freedom comes with responsibility. And that responsibility can sometimes be uncomfortable at first. Students are expected to care for classroom materials, such as returning books and lesson materials to the shelf, taking part in classroom jobs, keeping a record of their work in their work journals, and handling art supplies properly. They are responsible for practicing their lessons and completing chosen follow-up work, listening attentively during lessons or when a classmate is sharing a presentation or thought, and helping classmates when needed and available. A student is not free to use materials in a way that damages or wastes the classroom supplies or puts anyone in harm’s way. Freedom within our classroom never allows for harming oneself, others, or the classroom materials. Healthy boundaries, limits, and structures are consistently communicated in advance with clarity and respect, ensuring practicality and alignment within the community. Classroom expectations and rules are collaboratively developed and agreed upon by the community. In order to foster a positive learning environment, both students and teachers are expected to adhere to the shared expectations and responsibilities. When necessary, the classroom adult will address students and reiterate expectations and boundaries in a firm yet considerate manner. This balanced approach is effective only when maintained consistently throughout each day. What Might it Look Like When the Balance Needs to Shift? The adults in the classroom are constantly observing the children to be sure that each child has as much freedom as they are ready for, providing them space, room, and opportunities to show their strengths, and make their own choices throughout the day. When that freedom is too much, a teacher might need to provide more lessons in how to use materials that have been damaged or used improperly, limit work partner choices, or have a student sit with the teacher while they practice lessons or work with precious art materials. The adults will be watching for the perfect moment to allow the child increased freedom within the classroom, and within the limits of the understood responsibilities. How Freedom and Responsibility Work Together Finding the right mix of freedom and responsibility is something we work on together every day in our classroom. Montessori teachers are specially trained to guide this balance, helping students practice important skills like making good choices, solving problems, and learning self-control. When children are trusted to make decisions, they also learn to take responsibility for those choices. Experiencing the natural consequences of their actions helps them become kind, thoughtful, and capable members of their community who understand how their choices affect others. What Does This Have to Do with Parents? Your support at home makes a big difference. By working together, we can help your child thrive both at school and at home. Encouraging your child to take responsibility for their actions and decisions reinforces what they learn in class. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. It also becomes easier, more comfortable, and needs to be practiced less often when practiced consistently (like most things!). This supportive consistency across settings, at home and at school, helps children feel confident, cared for, and increasingly independent.