When at Wit’s End: Understanding Mistaken Goals
Rebecca Lingo • April 14, 2025

There is no “perfect” parenting trick that will eliminate all tantrums, tears, power struggles, or disappointments. However, some strategies can ease discomfort and make these incidents easier to manage. Difficult moments in parenting and childhood arise from the inherent challenges of relationships, not from unmet desires or deficiencies in parenting or human nature. These experiences are a natural part of life and essential for growth.  


Our children are hard-wired to test boundaries. They do this while simultaneously wanting assurance that they are accepted and belong. While this tendency may try our patience, it helps us to remember that children want to know that we can maintain both limits and connection.


Over the last 25 years, we have found four key approaches that can be used individually or in tandem to manage uncomfortable parent/child moments, strengthen relationships, and add joyful moments at Wheaton Montessori School. In this four-month series, we will highlight the four key strategies that work within our classroom communities to allow each person to be their best self. These strategies are Understanding Mistaken Goals, Using Playful Parenting, Scheduling Special Time, and Creating Visual Routines that can help re-establish relationships, provide clarity of expectations and routines, and help children feel understood and valued. And remember, these tools we offer are not to eliminate all childhood discomforts but to provide ways to feel connected in our parent/child relationships, which will ease the rough moments. In this blog, we will focus on Understanding Mistaken Goals.


Understanding Mistaken Goals


What a title, right!?! Sometimes, if we can understand what our children are trying to achieve through their repeated misbehaviors, we can address these underlying needs. Rudolf Dreikurs identifies how many unwanted behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. 


If children’s goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully.” If the need is power, their behavior conveys that they need meaningful ways to contribute. If children are trying to get revenge, they are communicating they are hurting or need their feelings recognized. When their goal is assumed inadequacy, expressed by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind their behavior is a need for others to believe in their capability and guide them with incremental steps toward success.


How do we know which goal the unwanted behavior stems from? We tend to have emotional responses when our children misbehave, and those feelings are the key to breaking the code of behavior. We recommend using this Mistaken Goal chart. Use the first column to identify how we feel when faced with the behavior. The subsequent columns (such as how we tend to react and our child’s response) help focus on the possible mistaken goal. Then, the chart also helps identify the possible beliefs behind the behavior, how adults feed the belief or behavior, the underlying message, and proactive and empowering responses to shift the behavior. Again, these behaviors can be normal parts of maturing, but if they are consistently getting in the way of good relationships and increasing skillsets, as adults we must look for ways to assist.


Pausing and remembering that misbehavior is a form of communication can help us respond to our children in more supportive ways. 


Parenting can be an emotionally exhausting experience, with each worrying behavior feeling monumental. One of the gifts of these strategies is that they can also help you prioritize the relationship moments instead of the hurdles you hope to be finished with soon. Reconnect to the joy of raising these amazing (and challenging) beings! 


We love sharing insights and ideas about supporting children! And often watching your children in our classrooms refreshes your confidence that you are doing enough, you are enough, and your children are loved!


Current families are encouraged to schedule their classroom observations by clicking on the links below. 


Adolescent Community Classroom Observation

Ms. Searcy’s Upper Elementary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Fortun’s Lower Elementary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Mayhugh’s Lower Elementary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Berdick’s Primary Classroom Observation

Mrs. McClelland's Primary Classroom Observation

Ms. Chiste’s Primary Classroom Observation

Mrs. Rogers’s Primary Classroom Observation


Prospective families with toddlers and children under 4 are encouraged to sign up for a school tour to explore the advantages of our Primary Program, which lays the essential foundation for our Elementary and Adolescent Community Programs. 


Open enrollment for summer and fall 2025 will be throughout April and is based on availability for eligible early childhood students. There are limited spots available for new children aged 4 and under for the upcoming summer and fall.


Individual school tours for kindergarten through 9th grade are not available, and the waitlist remains closed for the 2025-2026 School Year. The only exception is considered for students transferring from AMI-accredited Montessori schools that have maintained continuous attendance. 

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Montessori Mayhem? Pint-Sized Pandemonium? When I give tours of the Elementary classrooms or welcome new parents to the Elementary program at Wheaton Montessori School, some parents believe that students are allowed complete freedom, as if the classrooms are a beautiful den of chaos and anarchy. Indeed, this is one of the biggest misconceptions about Montessori education. (The biggest misconception being, in my experience, that Montessori isn’t “real world” education. But as we say in our lessons, “That’s a story for another day.”) While Montessori classrooms DO give children the freedoms they require and deserve, it’s not an unlimited free-for-all with an adult watching from an observation chair! Freedom is always balanced with responsibility, to oneself and to the community. These values, freedom and responsibility, are essential for creating a happy, busy, humming classroom where children thrive. What Does Freedom Mean in Our Classroom? “Freedom” in the classroom means that students are encouraged to make choices about their learning. Just as in our Primary classrooms at Wheaton Montessori School, students are free to choose their work, their seat, and their work partners. They are free to move about the classroom and do not need to raise their hands to visit the restroom, get a drink of water, or ask a question. Let’s look at a few of these freedoms more closely. Students are Free to Choose Their Work. For example, they may choose which book to read, choose a work partner to research a chosen topic, or practice a tricky bit of a lesson over and over. They are also able to choose how they will show their understanding. They might present their understanding through a poster, a diorama, a model, a handmade book, or an enormous amount of cardboard and hot glue. These choices empower students to take charge of their education and express themselves in ways that suit their interests and strengths, something a standardized test or a worksheet can never do. However, freedom in the classroom ALWAYS has limits. For example, students are free to choose their work, but choosing NOT to work is not an option. They are free to choose their work from the lessons that have been presented to them. While students may choose their reading material, it must be appropriate for their reading level and classroom guidelines. When students select a partner, they must do so respectfully and inclusively. When students create projects and work output, they must do so with care, make proper use of materials, and in a way that shows what they understand about their topic. Additionally, these choices should never disrupt their own learning and construction, or that of their peers. The Role of Responsibility In a true Montessori classroom, freedom comes with responsibility. And that responsibility can sometimes be uncomfortable at first. Students are expected to care for classroom materials, such as returning books and lesson materials to the shelf, taking part in classroom jobs, keeping a record of their work in their work journals, and handling art supplies properly. They are responsible for practicing their lessons and completing chosen follow-up work, listening attentively during lessons or when a classmate is sharing a presentation or thought, and helping classmates when needed and available. A student is not free to use materials in a way that damages or wastes the classroom supplies or puts anyone in harm’s way. Freedom within our classroom never allows for harming oneself, others, or the classroom materials. Healthy boundaries, limits, and structures are consistently communicated in advance with clarity and respect, ensuring practicality and alignment within the community. Classroom expectations and rules are collaboratively developed and agreed upon by the community. In order to foster a positive learning environment, both students and teachers are expected to adhere to the shared expectations and responsibilities. When necessary, the classroom adult will address students and reiterate expectations and boundaries in a firm yet considerate manner. This balanced approach is effective only when maintained consistently throughout each day. What Might it Look Like When the Balance Needs to Shift? The adults in the classroom are constantly observing the children to be sure that each child has as much freedom as they are ready for, providing them space, room, and opportunities to show their strengths, and make their own choices throughout the day. When that freedom is too much, a teacher might need to provide more lessons in how to use materials that have been damaged or used improperly, limit work partner choices, or have a student sit with the teacher while they practice lessons or work with precious art materials. The adults will be watching for the perfect moment to allow the child increased freedom within the classroom, and within the limits of the understood responsibilities. How Freedom and Responsibility Work Together Finding the right mix of freedom and responsibility is something we work on together every day in our classroom. Montessori teachers are specially trained to guide this balance, helping students practice important skills like making good choices, solving problems, and learning self-control. When children are trusted to make decisions, they also learn to take responsibility for those choices. Experiencing the natural consequences of their actions helps them become kind, thoughtful, and capable members of their community who understand how their choices affect others. What Does This Have to Do with Parents? Your support at home makes a big difference. By working together, we can help your child thrive both at school and at home. Encouraging your child to take responsibility for their actions and decisions reinforces what they learn in class. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. It also becomes easier, more comfortable, and needs to be practiced less often when practiced consistently (like most things!). This supportive consistency across settings, at home and at school, helps children feel confident, cared for, and increasingly independent.